Gifted But Confused

It’s Wednesday morning, so I’m allowed to gossip or complain, right? I’m not sure whether I’m gossiping or complaining, but I need a listening ear.

Chege will be the end of me. Literally.

I can’t lie… I’ve received very nice gifts from Chege, but then again, I’ve received funny gifts from this man too, and I can’t take it anymore. Actually, the funny gifts outweigh the cool gifts. Sometimes I think Chege is not okay upstairs…

You already know about the live rabbit he gave me one midnight after praising himself for having an “expensive and valuable gift.” And yes, he also brought a live hen at 11 p.m , telling me not to cook dinner because he had something “special.” At this point, I wasn’t sure if I should feed the animals or keep them as pets.

Let me give you a quick tour of Chege’s most legendary gift moments.

One day, Chege came all smiles carrying a gift. I tried guessing, but all my guesses were wrong. He opened the package, only for me to see it was a blue size 40 bra. You might think I’m mad for complaining, but just know that I’m a size 34. I was shocked; I held the bra, waiting for him to tell me who it belonged to, only to have him confirm that it was mine. Apparently, the seller told him that the bra was adjustable and the cup size wasn’t an issue if the straps were adjusted.

“You don’t have a blue bra. I thought it wise to get you this because the hawker was very convincing,” he said, smiling.

“Chege, I’m a size 34. What am I supposed to do with this? Are you sure it’s mine? Couldn’t you just look and sense that it’s big?” I asked, perplexed.

“Yes, it’s yours. I love it, and that’s why I bought it. You can adjust the straps, and it will fit you perfectly,” he replied.

I didn’t condemn him. I just went to sleep.

Another night, Chege called me at 10 p.m. and told me not to go to bed because he had a nice gift. Chege arrived with a pair of rubber shoes. Only one problem: one was navy blue, size 40; the other was black, size 38.

“Chege, did you inspect these shoes before buying?”

“I think I did, but it was dark. I didn’t want to buy them, but Kamau wanted to get two pairs for his wife, so I decided to promote the seller as well. All the shoes looked lovely in the darkness,” he said.

I didn’t shout. I went straight to bed.

His blender stopped functioning. I requested a new one. One night, he came carrying a blender with no lid.

“Why did you buy a blender without a lid?” I shouted.

“Is it supposed to have one? I didn’t know,” he said, confused.

“But the blender you bought before had a lid. Didn’t you know?”

“I don’t know. I bought the previous one because of you. I’ve never used it. That man scammed me. I now understand why he’s selling things at night in the bar,” he explained.

I didn’t shout. I went to bed.

One day, he came carrying a new nylon curtain, which was green and white. This was the biggest shock of the year.

“Who told you to buy this ugly curtain?” I shouted.

“It ain’t ugly. I thought you said you needed another curtain for the living room. I thought it wise getting one,” he replied.

The problem is that Chege’s seats are grey and his carpet is grey with a touch of black. The curtains were completely out of place. I didn’t shout. I went to bed.

Another day, he came carrying an envelope with a card in it. This was less than three days before my birthday, which is on 5th January. I could guess it was a birthday card. I opened it with so much zeal, only to find it was a Christmas card with the words, “Happy birthday my only love.” I looked at him, then at the card. Christmas card with a birthday wish?

“Chege, why a Christmas card with a birthday message?” I whispered.

“Aaah… mi I didn’t know. I sent Kamau to get it, and I didn’t confirm. I think he confused somewhere. On this, it ain’t my fault,” he defended himself.

“Why didn’t you check the card before Kamau sealed the envelope?” I asked in tears.

“I didn’t know he could mess this much. I was too busy to confirm,” he said.

I didn’t shout. I went to bed.

Someone might ask if Chege was like this since we met. He wasn’t. He’s just unpredictable. Amazing gifts one day, total confusion the next. He does all this because he knows I love gifts. In the process of getting me as many gifts as possible, the confusion creeps in.

I don’t know what I’ll do with Chege and his funny gifts. I think the next time he shows up with a confused gift, I’ll take his hand, look him in the eyes, and tell him what I actually want — his money, his time, his presence, his peace.